3 errores al criar conscientemente

3 errores al criar conscientemente

Un padre abrazando a su hijo

Este es un tiempo de grandes desafíos a la hora de criar a nuestros hijos. Existen al mismo tiempo, una sobre información que puede ayudar pero también confundir; las tecnologías que pueden conectar pero que también nos aíslan en la comodidad tras la pantalla; el desarrollo de las economías actuales y la cultura que nos lleva a aislarnos y a exigirnos un ritmo de vida que no coincide con las necesidades naturales del bebé o del infante. Padres y madres que deben trabajar para poder sostener los gastos que se han incrementado en las últimas décadas; y si bien se consideran la presencia y la consciencia como elementos centrales de la crianza, las dificultades para lograrlas son cada vez mayores. El ritmo, la información, el ruido, y las grandes ciudades sin dudas son elementos estresores que pueden perturbar la función paterna o materna.
Sé que el padre o madre que esté leyendo esta entrada lo está haciendo lo mejor que puede con todas las dificultades que están presentes en nuestra realidad cotidiana. También reconozco que seguramente pretende hacerlo mejor que el trato que cree haber recibido de sus propios padres. De ninguna manera este posteo pretende que sientan culpa si algo de lo que aquí escribo no lo han podido llevar adelante. Considero que hasta los padres excelentes pueden por momentos caer en estos errores. 

CONFUNDIR DISCIPLINA CON CASTIGO- CRIAR CON SENTIDO

La palabra disciplina (enseñanza, educación) viene del latín disciplina, derivado de discipulus (discípulo). Compuesta por la raíz disc del verbo discere que significa aprender, la raíz cip, del verbo capere (capturar, agarrar) y el sufijo de relación ina. Es decir que la palabra tiene que ver con el aprendizaje, con la enseñanza. 

Si bien tiene que ver con el aprendizaje, culturalmente se la utiliza más para entender la implementación de algún tipo de orden. Orden necesario para el buen desarrollo de las cosas o del aprendizaje. Esta desfiguración del término (de «enseñanza» a «orden») fue llevando a que se piense en disciplina como sinónimo de castigo.

El castigo se empezó a utilizar como método para mantener un orden propicio. Al hacerlo se pierde de vista si la persona está aprendiendo o no.


Si el castigo fuera una herramienta eficaz para aprender o para modificar la conducta, las cárceles serían espacios eficaces contra la delincuencia. Sin embargo, son espacios en donde las personas perfeccionan sus herramientas delictivas.


Al criar a los niños no es diferente. Castigar al niño, lo único que genera es que él empiece a pensar la manera de resolver sus necesidades infantiles sin que el adulto se de cuenta. Es preciso entender que para impartir disciplina, ergo, para enseñar, tenemos que tener presente el «para qué». 
Es importante impartir disciplina conociendo la filosofía detrás de la misma. Tener claro qué quieres conseguir realmente cuando tu hijo se porta mal.

PROPÓSITO

Como dice Dan Siegel, el propósito de la disciplina no es asegurarnos de que cada infracción tenga un castigo. El objetivo real es enseñar a los niños a vivir bien en el mundo. Hay una necesidad de corregir la conducta a corto plazo pero también modificar el patrón a largo plazo. Poder llevar al niño a repreguntarse porqué ejecutó esa conducta y conducirlo a mejores maneras de resolver su necesidad.
Cuando impongas disciplina pregúntate cuál es tu verdadera finalidad. Es una oportunidad para conducir a tu hijo a conectar con sus necesidades y ver de qué otras maneras creativas puede satisfacerlas.

DAR INDICACIONES EN VEZ DE PREGUNTAR- CRIAR CON EMPATÍA

El anterior punto nos lleva a cuestionar algunas de nuestras acciones más repetidas y naturalizadas. Como adultos vivimos en un mundo lleno de reglas y normas. Hemos naturalizado que las cosas son así y deben ser así. Tenemos respuesta para cada una de las conductas establecidas, acorde a patrones culturales que en realidad son muy aleatorios. 
Por lo tanto es normal que frente a una conducta que consideramos fuera de lugar, lo primero que hacemos es dar indicaciones. Incluso cuando no hay conductas equivocadas, damos indicaciones de qué hacer y cómo. De esta manera pretendemos moldear al niño para que se ajuste en los patrones culturales de la época. 

Esto muchas veces va en contra de las necesidades biológicas, pero también de las necesidades personales del niño. Cuando miramos hacia atrás en la historia podemos ver el trato que se les ha dado a los niños varones sensibles, pro ejemplo. Aberraciones que llevan a no considerar la vida interna del niño o niña.

Preguntar y lograr que el niño pueda conectar con sus propias necesidades es un deber casi moral de esta época. En vez de dar indicaciones vacías acompañarlo a revisar sus necesidades. Acompañarlo a que pueda comprender las reglas, no como algo rígido sino como acuerdos que establecemos para convivir mejor.

CAMBIAR DESDE AFUERA HACIA ADENTRO

Cuando realizamos los cursos de mindfulness, dedicamos una sección a la educación emocional, a la crianza de niños y adolescentes. La conclusión a la que se suele llegar por parte de los participantes, es que el cambio es de adentro hacia afuera. Algo que uno puede observar en uno mismo, es que para cambiar, para modificar un hábito, primero se lo tiene que proponer. Antes de proponérselo, tiene que comprender para qué, y desear ese cambio. Entendemos entonces que es preciso trabajar desde lo más interno de uno para poder modificar conductas y tener una vida más plena.

Sin embargo a la hora de criar, muchas veces olvidamos este aspecto.  En vez de promover una búsqueda interna y un entendimiento pretendemos exigir e imponer un nuevo hábito. Creemos implícitamente que si nos imponemos de una manera en particular, el niño va a adquirir por arte de magia ese nuevo hábito o comportamiento.
Pues… No. Al igual que nosotros, necesita cambiar de adentro hacia afuera.

Agregaría también que para que nuestros hijos aprendan de nosotros y cambien ciertos comportamientos, es importante que nosotros lo hayamos podido lograr en nuestras propias vidas. Es frecuente ver como se le exige al niño que tenga un comportamiento ejemplar cuando los padres se comportan impulsivamente. Estas incongruencias dificultan y mucho una crianza coherente. 

Si querés criar a tu hijo con ciertos hábitos saludables, aparte de guiarlo es preciso que también hayas podido aprehender ese hábito.

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