Como ganar en una discusión. Los 3 niveles

Como ganar en una discusión. Los 3 niveles

Como ganar en una discusión

¿Sabes porque la mayor parte de las discusiones terminan en nada?
¿Te pasó encontrarte en una discusión sin saber de qué estás discutiendo cómo llegaste a esa situación o para qué lo estás haciendo?

Yo me encuentro cotidianamente con el relato de este escenario, cuando los pacientes me describen sus discusiones, sobretodo de pareja.
Hoy quiero contarte de qué manera podés estar mejorando tu comunicación, para lograr ganar en una discusión.

Los 3 niveles en una discusión

1° nivel: El foco en el ser

Si hay algo que interrumpe la comunicación es la dificultad de conectar empáticamente con el otro y que el otro lo haga con uno. Cómo comenté en este post, el juicio o el prejuicio suele ser una manera de desconectarse y perder toda posibilidad de comunicación asertiva y efectiva.
Al comunicarse, es preciso desarrollar la capacidad de observarse a uno mismo, observar qué estoy sintiendo y si estoy emitiendo juicios.

Cuando estos juicios están presentes y se dirigen hacia la otra persona, podríamos decir que estamos en el nivel más alto y menos conveniente para una comunicación. En estás circunstancias lo que hacemos es emitir juicios sobre la otra persona. Esos juicios atacan al “ser” y por lo tanto la otra persona va a defenderse o se va a sentir humillado. Esto no llevaría a una verdadera victoria porque parte de la pareja o la pareja entera estaría sufriendo.

Supongamos entonces un ejemplo de este tipo de ataque. Un miembro de la pareja tenía que pasar a buscar al otro a un determinado horario, previo acuerdo. Lo olvida y su compañero queda esperando. Al encontrarse, más tarde, el miembro que quedó esperando comienza a decirle (ataque al nivel del self): “Sos un colgado” o “sos un desastre“, o “sos un tarado“.

Lo que sucede, entonces, es que al producirse un juicio sobre uno de los interlocutores la conversación deriva en ataques y defensas improcedentes que no permiten llegar a un acuerdo y resolver aquello que inició el conflicto.

Nivel 2: El foco en el comportamiento

El segundo nivel refiere, ya no a un juicio o un ataque al ser, sino que refiere a un diagnóstico sobre el comportamiento de la otra persona. Es decir que en vez de criticar al ser criticamos o hablamos sobre el comportamiento.

Este tipo de ataque es más sutil o menos obvio. Se suele hacer generalizaciones sobre el comportamiento del otro, o se suele vincular la situación con hechos del pasado.

Por ejemplo en el caso anterior, en vez de decirle a nuestra pareja que es colgada le decimos: “siempre lo mismo, te ponés a pelotudear y te olvidás de venir a buscarme“. O también podría ser una frase como “Vos te olvidás de buscarme porque no te importa“; También podría ser algo como “Otra vez te olvidaste igual que el mes pasado cuando no te acordaste de nuestro aniversario”.
El foco está en el comportamiento del otro, se suele diagnosticar y generalizar.

En este 2° nivel puede existir un diagnóstico sobre el comportamiento, una suposición que explicaría porqué esa persona actúa así, o una generalización sobre el comportamiento, vinculándolo a otras situaciones. Por lo tanto, cuando realizamos un juicio sobre el comportamiento del otro o generalizamos también perdemos la oportunidad de conectar empáticamente.
Nuevamente el juicio y la generalización hacen perder el foco y una serie de ataques y defensas vuelven a la situación inerte. Para poder ganar una discusión este tampoco es el foco.

Nivel 3- El foco en el hecho

Las discusiones tienen sentido cuando nos acercan a soluciones, aunque sea parciales, para las dificultades que vamos encontrando. Una verdadera victoria es aquella que genera el mayor nivel de bienestar dentro de la pareja.
Cuánto más concreta y realizable sea esa solución más probabilidad de éxito vamos a tener.
Por lo tanto es muy importante entender qué es lo que tenemos que resolver. Cuando creemos que lo que tenemos que resolver es cambiar a otro ser humano, cambiar su esencia, estamos totalmente perdidos. Cuando creemos que tenemos que cambiar su comportamiento pasado o lo que suponemos que lo lleva a actuar de X modo, también estamos dificultando la comunicación.

Es necesario entender que tenemos que rever la acción, o el hecho sucedido para evaluar si un cambio puede ser beneficioso para el vínculo. Eso no lo podemos lograr atacando a la persona o a su “comportamiento habitual”. Habrá que sopesar y estar abiertos a escuchar y ver el punto de vista y cómo lo sintió el otro para tomar la mejor decisión.

Para eso es fundamental poder manejarse en el nivel más básico. El nivel de los hechos observables. Sin generalizarlos y sin hacer juicios evaluativos.

Cuando la discusión se centra en querer resolver un hecho, un acto o una situación particular y no general, las probabilidades aumentan. Cuando en vez de juzgar al otro podemos ver qué nos pasa en ese momento con ese hecho abrimos a la posibilidad de conexión. Esto posibilita que el otro pueda vernos y entendernos sin necesidad de defenderse.

Desde esa mirada más empática es posible que pueda acercarse y decidir buscar alguna solución que resuelva las necesidades de ambas partes.
En la discusión anterior sonaría así: “El otro día, no pasaste a buscarme, porque me dijiste que te olvidaste, me sentí mal. No sé qué te estaba pasando en ese momento. Me gustaría que encontráramos una manera de que eso no se repita” o “La otra vez que no me pasaste a buscar me quedé esperando largo rato, me gustaría saber qué te pasó y también que en situaciones futuras podamos resolver esto de una manera diferente“.

En este último nivel aparte de hablar sobre la situación en particular, también se abre la posibilidad de escuchar sin juicios ni críticas al otro. Se pregunta, y se comenta también lo que uno siente. Se busca la manera de que esa acción no se repita.
Es un mecanismo mucho más práctico porque al no haber juicios, al no haber ataques, no se pierde el foco de la conversación.
A veces es muy difícil, cuando uno está cargado de ira poder llegar a este tipo de comunicación, es importante poder hablar tranquilo.

Por lo tanto si estás en medio de una discusión mi recomendación es que tomes distancia. Que dejes pasar un buen rato. Que te preguntes qué estabas necesitando y qué crees que necesita tu pareja y sobretodo que focalices en el hecho en cuestión. En el observable a resolver para proponer opciones que satisfagan ambas necesidades.

Me gustaría saber qué tipos de dificultades encontrás a la hora de comunicarte y qué tan difícil o fácil te parece estas opciones.

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