MI PAREJA O MI RIVAL
La comunicación en la pareja puede convertirse en un verdadero infierno. Es importante poder conectar empaticamente y no terminar transformándonos en el rival de nuestra pareja. A medida que uno se va adentrando en esta hermosa profesión que es la psicología, empieza a ver correlaciones, situaciones que se repiten en diferentes personas, en diferentes familias y parejas. El tema del que tengo ganas de escribir sucede en muchas relaciones de pareja, pero también en relaciones de amistad, o incluso entre padres e hijos.
Consiste en la fantasía, la creencia, la idea, o la suposición de que el otro dice, piensa o hace las cosas para perjudicarnos, llevándonos generalmente a reaccionar defensivamente a eso.
La comunicación en la pareja
El condicionamiento:
Al mirar la realidad, la observamos desde nuestro único lugar. Cada uno tiene su propia experiencia de vida, y no hay dos experiencias idénticas. Es decir que las interpretaciones que realizamos sobre lo que sucede dependen del lugar desde donde lo estamos mirando.
Cada uno se va a representar en un mismo objeto o situación, algo diferente, y si bien hay consensos, estos son culturales y no representan la realidad sino una manera particular de mirarla.
Al comunicarnos con nuestra pareja es probable que, de acuerdo a las vivencias de cada uno, y de la familia de cada uno, veamos la realidad de maneras distintas.
Esto es así, producto de nuestras historias personales, y de cómo fuimos construyendo nuestro mundo interno. Por lo tanto es probable que yo NO pueda ver la misma realidad que ve el otro, pero aún así, esto no le quita legitimidad a esa versión. Cada uno tiene sus propios lentes y es por la rigidez de mirar con nuestros propios lentes que no logramos admitir las miradas de los demás.
Mensajes digitales y analógicos:
La comunicación se da de diferentes maneras. El uso de las palabras, la comunicación verbal y escrita representan la comunicación digital. Pero también nos comunicamos con nuestros gestos, posturas, nuestra expresión corporal, el tono de voz, la melodía, el volumen, y muchas más cosas. A este segundo canal de la comunicación se la llama comunicación analógica y representa el 90% de un mensaje.
Bateson a mediados del siglo pasado, estudió estas formas de comunicarse en familias de esquizofrénicos, observando que los padres de los psicóticos, enviaban mensajes incongruentes. A nivel del contenido (digital) el mensaje podía ser amoroso; pero a nivel analógico era lo contrario. Por ejemplo le decían a su hijo que lo amaban mientras lo golpeaban, o se lo decían con una expresión clara de desdén. A esta manera de comunicarse la llamó “Doble vincular”.
Más tarde se observó que las incongruencias a la hora de comunicar son mucho más habituales de lo que parece y por lo tanto esto reviste a la comunicación de una complejidad mayor. Es importante tener en cuenta la comunicación analógica y poner en palabras lo que uno interpreta del otro para lograr un entendimiento claro.
Las sentencias (los juicios moralistas).
A partir del primer punto, y también de un desarrollo cultural que nos ha “enseñado” a relacionarnos de esa manera, podemos decir que nos comunicamos de manera tal que continuamente declaramos sentencias de lo que creemos que está bien o mal. No hablamos de valores, de lo que nosotros valoramos más o menos, sino de lo correcto e incorrecto y por lo tanto de premios y castigos. Tener la seguridad de saber cómo son y deben ser las cosas, nos lleva a ver al otro con una mirada acusatoria, en donde nos preocupamos por definir hasta qué punto está equivocado (con respecto a nuestra manera de ver el mundo, claro).
Por más buenas intenciones que tengamos a la hora de comunicarnos, si internamente mantenemos esta creencia, esta manera de observar, pensar y sentir, es probable que el otro se sienta atacado y busque defenderse.
Un juicio moralista presupone una verdad absoluta y facilita que entremos en la crítica, las comparaciones, las acusaciones, el desprecio y la Rivalidad.
Esto no quiere decir que no podamos valorar ciertas cosas, sino que reconozcamos la diferencia entre un juicio de valor y una sentencia.
Por ejemplo:
“La violencia es mala!” -esto sería una sentencia-
“Me asusta la violencia en la resolución de conflictos humanos. Valoro las personas que resuelven sus conflictos de otras maneras diferentes” -Esto sería una valoración-
Por más seguros que estemos de nuestra “verdad” podemos probar hacer esta distinción en nuestros argumentos a ver donde nos conduce. Cuando nos manejamos con sentencias, la comunicación se dificulta.
Una mirada diferente.
Marshall Rosenberg desarrolló hace algunos años el concepto de “Comunicación Chacal” para este tipo de comunicación centrado, sobretodo en sentencias, críticas y evaluaciones que promueven las actitudes rivalistas o defensivas.
Él dice que este es uno de los aspectos en nuestras vidas que bloquean la compasión y la comunicación empática.
Generalmente las parejas funcionan como un fuego de caldera donde se cuecen todas nuestras imperfecciones, miedos, faltas y necesidades, por lo tanto, es probable que en la comunicación estos aspectos que vienen con nosotros reluzcan y perjudiquen la comunicación generando dificultades severas.
La comunicación en la pareja es compleja, tiene estos aspectos que enumerábamos que nos lleva a confusiones. Nuestras vivencias y la manera que aprendimos a comunicarnos, muchas veces nos lleva a suponer y criticar, impidiendo la comunicación empática. No pretendo, por tanto, que se vuelvan excelentes lectores de la conducta no verbal, ni tampoco que cambien todo su condicionamiento. Pero hay dos cosas que sí se pueden hacer.
Primero es comunicarse con su pareja con la convicción interna que el otro quiere lo mejor para ti. Suponer que hay un buen fin detrás de lo que comenta y que si ataca o se defiende puede ser consecuencia de cómo nos estamos comunicando y no de una motivación intrínseca. Puede que esto los lleve a sentirse más vulnerables, pero a veces es necesario esa vulnerabilidad para mejorar la comunicación.
El segundo punto es que al observar lo que los demás exponen, tengamos una mirada no crítica. Podemos sostener nuestra manera de pensar sobre ciertos aspectos, pero de ninguna manera sostengamos que nuestra manera de ver la realidad ES la manera correcta. Podemos tener juicios de valor, pero sólo eso. Observemos sin juzgar y el mundo será un mejor lugar donde vivir.
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