Los estilos de apego

Los estilos de apego

apego madre e hija

Apego ¿qué es?

Apego significa un vínculo afectivo o enlace entre un individuo y una figura de apego (un cuidador). Estos pueden ser recíprocos entre dos adultos, pero en el niño tienen que ver con las necesidades de seguridad y protección. Los niños se apegan instintivamente a quien cuida de ellos,​ con el fin de sobrevivir.​ La meta biológica es la supervivencia, y la meta psicológica es la seguridad. Esta forma de vincularse condiciona en gran medida el desarrollo de las relaciones de la adultez. Se considera entonces, de gran importancia para comprender las relaciones humanas. En esta entrada quiero contarte un poco sobre la historia de la teoría y los estilos de relaciones estudiados.

¿Que no es?

Cuando hablemos de apego en esta entrada, no vamos a hablar del apego a las cosas, del deseo de cosas. En el budismo se habla del mismo vinculándolo al deseo, como ambición o necesidad de algo (tanha en el idioma Pali). Esta forma de entenderlo es generalmente negativa.. Nos vincula de una manera exigente con la realidad y proporcionándonos pocas posibilidades para desarrollarnos en un mundo cambiante y caprichoso. Tanha es una de las formas en que nos generamos sufrimiento. Sentirse apegado a las cosas podría ser la manera vulgar de entender esta definición.

También se suele hablar de crianza con apego o crianza sin él. Se entiende la crianza con apego a la intención de permanecer con el bebé y no dejarlo solo. De no considerar sus acciones como manipulaciones y a la posibilidad de acompañarlo en su crecimiento. 
Si bien teóricamente no es  incorrecto, la definición tiene un revés. 
No existe la crianza sin apego, ya que el mismo es la necesidad biológica del bebé de recibir afecto y resguardo. Lo que sí existe es el apego seguro e inseguro.
En ese sentido no se trata de la necesidad de una presencia exhaustiva de la madre o cuidador. Se trata de la contención afectiva y predecible de un cuidador para que pueda explorar el mundo.

Historia de la teoría del apego

A mediados del siglo XX, después de la segunda guerra mundial, las mujeres se vieron obligadas a salir del ámbito privado para trabajar y reconstruir los países que habían quedado destruidos. En esas circunstancias se comenzó a investigar sobre los efectos de la ausencia materna sobre los bebés. John Bowly empezó a desarrollar su teoría a finales de la década del cuarenta y su primera publicación científica, se publico a mediados de la década del 50.
En ese momento las mujeres reclamaban derechos de igualdad e independencia. La teoría fue, en ese entonces, centro de discusiones entre movimientos feministas y adversos. Disputa que aún hoy permanece en boga.

Bowly concluyó su teoría hacia el año 1980 publicando tres libros.. Investigaciones posteriores agregaron y cambiaron partes de su teoría, criticaron y festejaron. Más allá de todo, las investigaciones actuales aportaron muchísimo material nuevo que se agregó a lo desarrollado por el psicoanalista.

Según María Eugenia Moneta, el apego es la primera relación del recién nacido con el o los cuidadores principales (aquellos que son receptivos a sus señales). Ese estilo de relación nos acompañará, probablemente a lo largo de toda la vida.

Los estilos de apego

El apego es el encargado de proporcionar seguridad al niño en situaciones de amenaza. Cuando es satisfactorio, permite al niño explorar y conocer el mundo. El niño tendrá la tranquilidad de saber que la persona con quien se ha vinculado va a estar allí para protegerlo. Cuando no ocurre, los miedos e inseguridades influyen en la manera en que el niño se comporta.
Las primeras dos grandes distinciones en los estilos de apego es el seguro y el inseguro.

Cuando el niño se siente amenazado, se activa el sistema de búsqueda de protección y recurre a sus padres. Cuando encuentra dicha protección de forma habitual se dirá que desarrolla un estilo seguro. Si en cambio la protección falla sistemáticamente, el niño desarrollará inseguridad en la relación con sus padres. Las relaciones entonces estarán signadas por la desconfianza.
Se describieron a partir de entonces tres estilos. El seguro, el inseguro-ambivalente, inseguro-evitativo y más tarde agregaron el desorganizado-desorientado.
A finales de los años 80 Cindy Hazan y Phillip Shaver extendieron la teoría del apego a las relaciones románticas adultas. Identificaron 4 estilos en los adultos: seguro, ansioso- preocupado, evitativo-independiente y con miedo-evitación.
Estos estilos definirían la forma que tenemos de relacionarnos con las otras personas.

Modelo seguro

Son individuos con confianza en sí mismo y en los demás. Se sienten dignos de recibir afecto, y cómodos en la relación con los demás. Pueden solicitar ayuda de otros y recibirla.
No tienen miedo al abandono y pueden establecer vínculos íntimos. No les preocupa estar solos y pueden generar vínculos sanos.
Este es el resultado de una infancia con una presencia parental suficiente, que permitió que el niño explorase el mundo sintiéndose confiado. Se siente querido, aceptado y valorado.

Modelo ansioso:

En este caso el niño desarrolla una desconfianza en sus cuidadores. Puede ser el resultado de un cuidado sistemáticamente variable. Se fueron alternando momentos de presencia y momentos de ausencias, o momentos de respuestas adecuadas y momentos de no respuesta a las demandas infantiles. 
Las emociones que se presentan de manera más frecuente en este caso son el miedo y la angustia exacerbada ante las separaciones. Los pequeños con este estilo de apego necesitan la aprobación de los cuidadores y vigilan de manera permanente que no les abandonen. Exploran el ambiente de manera poco relajada y procurando no alejarse demasiado de la figura de apego.

En los adultos esto se manifiesta por medio de los celos y el temor constante de ser “abandonados”. Precisan constantemente reconocimiento y que les digan que son amados. Con tal de ser aprobados por su pareja o por sus semejantes pueden tener comportamientos sumisos y dejar de “ser ellos mismos”. Son excesivamente dependientes. Tienden a ser menos confiados y tienen una visión menos positiva de sí mismos y de sus parejas. Pueden presentar altos niveles de expresividad emocional, preocupación e impulsividad en sus relaciones.

Modelo evitativo

Lo presentan personas que probablemente hayan vivido una crianza donde la respuesta del cuidador ha sido sistemáticamente inadecuada o nula.
Se conoce como “evitativo” porque los bebés presentan distintas conductas de distanciamiento. Por ejemplo, no lloran cuando se separan de cuidador, se interesan sólo en sus juguetes y evitan contacto cercano.
Esto ocurre porque la relación con el cuidador no ha generado suficiente seguridad. El pequeño desarrolla entonces una autosuficiencia compulsiva con preferencia por la distancia emocional.

Si bien esa autosuficiencia puede confundirse con seguridad, estos niños presentan altos niveles de estrés al explorar el mundo. Aprenden a vivir sin sentirse queridos o valorados. Por estas razones evitan el contacto con los demás.

De adultos continúan evitando la intimidad. En sus relaciones interpersonales, son pocos comprensivos con la necesidad de afecto de los otros, que tachan de enfermiza o de debilidad. Están claramente orientados al logro, con escasas necesidades afectivas y apenas relaciones interpersonales significativas. Tienden a reprimir sus sentimientos, que trata de rechazo, distanciándose de sus parejas de quien por lo general tienen una visión negativa. 

Modelo asustados-evitativos

Este tipo es una mezcla entre el apego ansioso y el evitativo. El niño presenta comportamientos contradictorios e inadecuados. En ocasiones se conoce como “apego irresuelto” y hay quienes lo traducen en una carencia total de apego.

Lo presentan personas que vivieron infancias donde el cuidado pudo haber sido frío o violento. Suelen desarrollar una visión muy negativa de sí mismos y de los demás.
Los niños maltratados no culpan a sus padres sino que piensan que están haciendo algo mal y por eso se les castiga. Durante toda la infancia intentan entender qué es lo que hacen mal e intentan cambiar para que no les peguen, pero nunca lo consiguen.

Presentan baja autoestima y afecto negativo. Aunque desean contactos sociales, inhiben este deseo por el miedo al rechazo. Buscan evitar la intimidad pero no han encontrado una forma de gestionar las emociones que esto les provoca, por lo que se genera un desbordamiento emocional de carácter negativo que impide la expresión de las emociones positivas.

Sus relaciones interpersonales de adultos se caracterizan por la huida tras alcanzar cierto grado de intimidad siendo consideradas siempre secundarias a sus objetivos laborales o profesionales.

Conclusión

Los estilos de apego pueden ser predisponentes a vivir algún tipo de trastorno de ansiedad o depresión. Están relacionados también con el estilo de afrontamiento a la frustración y la resiliencia. Los que vivieron de manera segura van a desarrollar comportamientos más resilientes.

La manera de relacionarse va desarrollándose durante toda la vida. Si bien una persona puede estar condicionada por sus relaciones tempranas con su cuidador, esto no es determinante.
Es interesante saber que al desarrollar un estilo, puede que sus relaciones futuras sean signadas y condicionadas. De adolescente puede que se genere una tendencia a relacionarse de cierta manera y con ciertas personas. De esta manera puede haber una tendencia a repetir la elección de personas con las cuales relacionarse. Si el vínculo con sus cuidadores fue del estilo ansioso, encontrarse con personas con cierta ambivalencia es una posibilidad. La repetición es parte del problema ya que, probablemente el sujeto busque lo que conoce.

Pero también es cierto que esos estilos pueden modificarse. Puede que uno encuentre personas que le proporcionen otro tipo de relación. Es posible desarrollar recursos internos a partir de la psicoterapia u otras herramientas. 
El cerebro es lo suficientemente plástico como para poder aprender a gestionar las emociones y generar mayor resiliencia. En este sentido, las prácticas de meditación, el mindfulness relacional y las psicoterapias pueden ser maneras efectivas de cambiar patrones de relación. Las prácticas compasivas y el trabajar la autocompasión es fundamental para que uno pueda pasar de un estilo de vinculación inseguro a uno más seguro, sano y resiliente.

 

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